Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think my tv is drunk
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
