I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
