Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
