Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
