Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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