my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
