we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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