I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
