508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Little spoons don't ask big questions
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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