just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
