Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
