that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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