I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
