if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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