i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All I want is dick and wine.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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