she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
