Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
