Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
