I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
