Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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