ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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