Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
