my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
