are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sarcasm needs its own font
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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