fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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