: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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