I got chris browned last night
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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