I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The struggles of a small town man whore
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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