She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
