then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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