Four minutes until I can fart!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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