you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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