Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
