Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
