meet me or not, i'm out of control
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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