he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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