new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
no, he came in my armpit
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
