Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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