Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
