i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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