I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Can i not drive my cunt home
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
