textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
