On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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