we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize