Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize