Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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