Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
