Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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