it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize