If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
