I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
