I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
