Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize