I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
