I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
