Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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