My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
