return my video game
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
