well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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