Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
