i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Life is so much better after having sex.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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