So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
