Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
