I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
