well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
